Matt Weinhold

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Hi there and welcome to the official Matt Weinhold website. Hopefully someday there'll be a few unofficial Matt Weinhold websites but until my fans get off their lazy asses, this will have to do.

In this space you will be regularly entertained by a frequently updated series of my personal anecdotes, my hopes, my dreams, my fears and my nightmares. So...let’s get right to my nightmares! They come primarily in three categories:

1. The Bummermare - This type of nightmare doesn’t feature any naked clowns or ax weilding gym teachers. I’ll be dreaming and suddenly, I find myself in a very unpleasant situation. Like all of a sudden, I’m informed that I have to go to prison. I don’t have to go right then, but I have to go soon. It’s never known to me why I have to go to prison or for how long, just that I’m going. The rest of the dream is pretty mundane. I hang out with my friends, go about my regular routine, but everything I do is tainted by my dread of the big house. Of course, it’s not always prison. Sometimes it’s that I still haven’t completed high school or I owe someone a lot of money or I accidentally slept with my dad Eventually I wake up, call my dad, breathe a sigh of relief, and go back to sleep.

2. The “GAAA!” - This one is very simple. I just abruptly wake up, terrified and yelling “GAAA!” I’ll have no memory of what caused me to wake up in such fear but whatever it was, was really scary. After a “GAAA!” nightmare, I usually need to sleep with the light on for a while. If it’s a particularly severe “GAAA!”, I may need to turn on the TV and watch something funny, usually something starring Jerry Lewis.

3. Dawn Of The Dead - The title explains it all. It’s your run of the mill George Romero style “zombies are after me” scenario. The zombies are the more traditional, slow moving zombies yet that doesn’t seem to help much because in these nightmares, I can’t run very fast. Perfect. And to make things worse, every building I try to seek refuge in has hopelessly inadequete defenses. For example, zombies will be trying to get through the door and the only lock I have is of the hook and eyehole variety. Inevitably, the zombies get through the door and the chase continues with me only one step ahead of their clutching, undead claws. Although this might sound frightening, it’s kind of inaccurate for me to call this a full-on nightmare because even though I’m scared, I also find it kind of exciting! But not in a sexual way...yet.

Now, I know a lot of you arm chair dream analyist types will read this and think “Oh, it’s co clear what these nightmares mean. It’s obvious that the zombies represent the people that want something from him, and that Matt’s running away reveals a deep seated fear of opening up emotionally to others.” Well, yes, I may have some serious subconcious emotional issues but I don’t think they hold a candle to my quite natural fear of the living dead.

Speaking of which, be sure to check out the new “Dawn Of The Dead” film. Aside from some annoying plot holes and poor characterization, this remake of the time honored George Romero classic features some pretty decent scares and a kick ass first 15 minutes. But the best part of the film is the “Dawn Of The Dead” website, designed by my good buddies at Jet Set Studios with a little extra help from yours truly. You get facts, pictures, zombie history, survival guides, and an interactive shoot out game with really fast zombies. I wouldn’t stand a chance.

At last, here's a new "In My Skull" entry! Forgive me for how long the last one stayed up. I just assumed everyone is as a slow a reader as I am.

Jet Li: Fu-less!

Jet Li has announced that his latest film, "Fearless" will be his last martial arts film and that he will now appear in only non-kung fu movies. Apparently, the word "Jet," means "sissy," and the word, "Li" means, "quitter." Shame on you Jet Li! I thought that unlike Jackie Chan, Kung Fu's version of "Carrot Top", you'd end your career and possibly your life…swinging!

Jet says that he thinks too many kids are getting the message that violence is the only way to solve your problems. Well, those kids are right. We didn't win World War II with Tai Chi and green tea ice cream. Jet Li is a martial arts superstar with an almost supernatural talent! To watch a Jet Li film without kung fu would be like watching a Jenna Jameson film with your parents…totally wrong.

What's next, a costume drama? Sense and Sensibility with Jet Li? Not even a chick would see that one! After that Jet, it's only a matter of time before you resort to Hollywood's most desperate cry for help…appearing in a Woody Allen film.

I know there's a pattern with action stars doing less physically dangerous films as they grow older… and I believe that is a mistake. Jet, your golden years should be the golden age of your career. Any 20 year old can be thrown through a plate glass window and shake it off. I should know; I've thrown a few. But imagine what an inspiration it would be to see a 70 year old shatter a hip after a mid air crescent kick off of a moving train. Not to mention the hilarious bloopers.

Oh, I know what you're all thinking, "That's cruel." Well you know what, I'll tell you what's cruel… cruel is being forgotten. Cruel is having trouble getting work. Cruel is sharing a bedroom with Kato Kaelen in the Surreal Life House. Cruel is having to do the Cabbage Patch on "Dancing with the Stars". Cruel is doing a porno with Screech.

Jet, I know growing old is hard and you may find it difficult to risk your life for only your fans! The people that MADE YOU! I paid $12.00 to see "The One"! That's almost 30% of my weekly income. You owe me buster. Look, I'm sorry, I know all this must be hard to hear, but I say, when life gives you lemons…you kick the shit out of those lemons.

So here's what's up -

For the longest time, I've wanted to turn my fans out there on to a few of my favorite movies and TV shows. The items listed below are by no means my favorite movies and TV shows of all time, just what's on my mind as of this writing. I've tried to concentrate on films and shows that may have slipped through the cracks of the mainstream video renter. Gosh, I'm helpful. So here goes!

1.		Masked Rider (Kamen Rider) - This is a series of TV shows that have been airing in Japan since the late 1960's up to the present. In a nutshell, the show deals with human beings that get transformed into bug-like cyborgs that ride motorcycles and fight criminal/alien organizations·organizations that are run by·of course·monster cyborg creatures. They're kind of like the Power Rangers, only far more twisted and dark. The first series was called, Kamen Rider (Masked Rider), followed by a number of sequels including Kamen Rider V3, Kamen Rider Amazon, Kamen Rider Stronger, and Kamen Rider Black. These shows have a campy Ultraman feel to them with a lot of guys in monster suits (with visible zippers) fighting each other. What's not to like, right? Later, I think the shows got more money because the costumes and special effects got A LOT better, and the storylines took on a brooding, X Files-ish feel. Among the best of these more recent, "new style" Kamen Rider series are Kamen Rider Agito, Kamen Rider Ryuki, and Kamen Rider 555. These shows never aired in the US and the only way you can see them is to buy them off of eBay. It's worth it though, because once you own the entire series, and display them proudly next to your Kamen Rider action figures, it's pretty much a guarantee of steady poontang!

2.		The Brood - Sure you've seen Scanners, and The Dead Zone, and maybe even Videodrome, but arguably, the best David Cronenberg film ever has to be The Brood! I mean, who can resist a story about a jilted woman who undergoes a controversial form of psychotherapy that enables her to grow murderous, troglodyte children from a monstrous external fetal sack that are actually a physical manifestation of her own rage? Whew! Yes, I know what you're thinking,"Not another Christmas movie." Made during the heyday of the 'slasher' film, The Brood showed that horror didn't always have to come with a ski mask and a butcher knife (In my opinion, children are terrifying enough as it is.). Make children killers, throw in Oliver Reed, and you've got the makings of a horror movie classic·and if you disagree·you're just plain wrong!

3.		Shaun Of The Dead - It seems to me that the only people who saw this film when it came out were my friends. For those who missed it·shame!!!! This is now in my top 20 favorite films of all time! Imagine "Dawn of the Dead" only funnier and maybe even more realistic at times. I really don't want to give away too much about this film, but the thing I really loved about it was the fact that it took so long for the self involved characters to even realize that the dead were walking the earth. However, even with all of the laughs, the horror is truly horrifying and the ending is definitely one of the most satisfying I've ever seen. So, damn you all, rent it!!

4.		Shockwaves - To continue with the "zombie" theme, Shockwaves is the first film to combine the walking dead with the added menace of Nazis. Yep, you heard me, Nazi zombies! Toward the end of the war, the Third Reich, using occult and scientific experimentation, create a platoon of indestructible super soldiers fashioned from the bodies of dead sociopaths. After these soldiers end up turning on their own troops, the Germans ship them out to a deserted island along with their human commandant, played by Peter Cushing (just before he became Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars). These Nazi-zombies spend most of their time wandering about the ocean floor before they attack but when they do, it's genuinely chilling. The sight of these blond haired, goggled ghouls with water shriveled skin and dripping Nazi uniforms emerging from beneath the surface of the water, is enough to make you want to buy war bonds again. Top it all off with a young Brooke Adams in a bikini and a great cameo by John Carradine, and you can pretty much toss that Saving Private Ryan DVD in the "Sell on eBay" bin.

5.		Bubba Ho Tep - I know it must seem that I'm on a living dead kick, but with Bubba Ho Tep, the living dead come second to the brilliance of Bruce Campbell. If you don't know who Bruce Campbell is (seriously, if you don't, please get off of this website), he's the star of the now classic Evil Dead series and is frankly, a genius. In this film, he portrays Elvis Presley who is not dead and currently residing in a nursing home. There he confronts a soul-sucking mummy and his own feelings of self worth and mortality, and aided by John F. Kennedy (played by the late, great Ossie Davis). This film was directed by Don Coscarelli, known for his creation of the Phantasm series and even has a cameo by Reggie Bannister who conveniently played the character of "Reggie" in those films. Although the mummy stuff is effective, the real joy of this movie is Campbell's Elvis performance. Ignoring the temptation to play a caricature, Campbell makes Elvis a real person with doubts and regrets and the simple dream of seeing his daughter again. This along with the obvious chemistry that Campbell and Davis have in their scenes together makes this a step above the slew of "The Ring" clones that have inundated theaters. I mean really, how many times can I be scared by a pale kid in need of a haircut?

Well, these are enough for you to chew on for now. Aside from Kamen Rider, all of these goodies have been released in America and can be found at Netflix or at any 'good' video store.

POOR MATT'S ALMANAC - Part 1

If I could live my life over again, I would have hit more people and had sex with more people…but not necessarily at the same time.

Instead of plastic surgery, I’ve decided to get a full body tattoo of me at 18.

People say live every day as if it were your last. I say live every day as if it were your first. That’s why every day I vomit on a doctor.

Fake tits are like the clown at my penis’ birthday party.

I’m allergic to most pets. This essentially means my breathing can be stopped with unconditional love.

If your news is that I’m going to sit in a lake of fire for all eternity, you can hardly call it the “Good News”.

Dick Cheney must read The Constitution the way most of us read “The Onion”.

If ghosts are real, where do they get their clothes?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, a prostitute.

Life is just a series of less embarrassing haircuts.

I can’t believe in a God that I’m nicer than.

The human race is like a spoiled child who occasionally remembers to say “thank you”.

If you can’t beat them, then they’re not tied down properly.

I’m not a sports fan because I can’t root for the guys who stole my lunch money.