|Hi there and welcome to the official Matt Weinhold website.
Hopefully someday there'll be a few unofficial Matt Weinhold websites
but until my fans get off their lazy asses, this will have to do.
In this space you will be regularly entertained by a frequently updated series of my personal anecdotes, my hopes, my dreams, my fears and my nightmares. So...let’s get right to my nightmares! They come primarily in three categories:
1. The Bummermare - This type of nightmare doesn’t feature any naked clowns or ax weilding gym teachers. I’ll be dreaming and suddenly, I find myself in a very unpleasant situation. Like all of a sudden, I’m informed that I have to go to prison. I don’t have to go right then, but I have to go soon. It’s never known to me why I have to go to prison or for how long, just that I’m going. The rest of the dream is pretty mundane. I hang out with my friends, go about my regular routine, but everything I do is tainted by my dread of the big house. Of course, it’s not always prison. Sometimes it’s that I still haven’t completed high school or I owe someone a lot of money or I accidentally slept with my dad Eventually I wake up, call my dad, breathe a sigh of relief, and go back to sleep.
2. The “GAAA!” - This one is very simple. I just abruptly wake up, terrified and yelling “GAAA!” I’ll have no memory of what caused me to wake up in such fear but whatever it was, was really scary. After a “GAAA!” nightmare, I usually need to sleep with the light on for a while. If it’s a particularly severe “GAAA!”, I may need to turn on the TV and watch something funny, usually something starring Jerry Lewis.
3. Dawn Of The Dead - The title explains it all. It’s your run of the mill George Romero style “zombies are after me” scenario. The zombies are the more traditional, slow moving zombies yet that doesn’t seem to help much because in these nightmares, I can’t run very fast. Perfect. And to make things worse, every building I try to seek refuge in has hopelessly inadequete defenses. For example, zombies will be trying to get through the door and the only lock I have is of the hook and eyehole variety. Inevitably, the zombies get through the door and the chase continues with me only one step ahead of their clutching, undead claws. Although this might sound frightening, it’s kind of inaccurate for me to call this a full-on nightmare because even though I’m scared, I also find it kind of exciting! But not in a sexual way...yet.
Now, I know a lot of you arm chair dream analyist types will read this and think “Oh, it’s co clear what these nightmares mean. It’s obvious that the zombies represent the people that want something from him, and that Matt’s running away reveals a deep seated fear of opening up emotionally to others.” Well, yes, I may have some serious subconcious emotional issues but I don’t think they hold a candle to my quite natural fear of the living dead.
Speaking of which, be sure to check out the new “Dawn Of The Dead” film. Aside from some annoying plot holes and poor characterization, this remake of the time honored George Romero classic features some pretty decent scares and a kick ass first 15 minutes. But the best part of the film is the “Dawn Of The Dead” website, designed by my good buddies at Jet Set Studios with a little extra help from yours truly. You get facts, pictures, zombie history, survival guides, and an interactive shoot out game with really fast zombies. I wouldn’t stand a chance.
At last, here's a new "In My Skull" entry! Forgive me for how long the last one stayed up. I just assumed everyone is as a slow a reader as I am.
Jet Li: Fu-less!
Jet Li has announced that his latest film, "Fearless" will be his last martial arts film and that he will now appear in only non-kung fu movies. Apparently, the word "Jet," means "sissy," and the word, "Li" means, "quitter." Shame on you Jet Li! I thought that unlike Jackie Chan, Kung Fu's version of "Carrot Top", you'd end your career and possibly your life…swinging!
Jet says that he thinks too many kids are getting the message that violence is the only way to solve your problems. Well, those kids are right. We didn't win World War II with Tai Chi and green tea ice cream. Jet Li is a martial arts superstar with an almost supernatural talent! To watch a Jet Li film without kung fu would be like watching a Jenna Jameson film with your parents…totally wrong.
What's next, a costume drama? Sense and Sensibility with Jet Li? Not even a chick would see that one! After that Jet, it's only a matter of time before you resort to Hollywood's most desperate cry for help…appearing in a Woody Allen film.
I know there's a pattern with action stars doing less physically dangerous films as they grow older… and I believe that is a mistake. Jet, your golden years should be the golden age of your career. Any 20 year old can be thrown through a plate glass window and shake it off. I should know; I've thrown a few. But imagine what an inspiration it would be to see a 70 year old shatter a hip after a mid air crescent kick off of a moving train. Not to mention the hilarious bloopers.
Oh, I know what you're all thinking, "That's cruel." Well you know what, I'll tell you what's cruel… cruel is being forgotten. Cruel is having trouble getting work. Cruel is sharing a bedroom with Kato Kaelen in the Surreal Life House. Cruel is having to do the Cabbage Patch on "Dancing with the Stars". Cruel is doing a porno with Screech.
Jet, I know growing old is hard and you may find it difficult to risk your life for only your fans! The people that MADE YOU! I paid $12.00 to see "The One"! That's almost 30% of my weekly income. You owe me buster. Look, I'm sorry, I know all this must be hard to hear, but I say, when life gives you lemons…you kick the shit out of those lemons.
what's up -
For the longest time, I've wanted to turn my fans out there on to a few of my favorite movies and TV shows. The items listed below are by no means my favorite movies and TV shows of all time, just what's on my mind as of this writing. I've tried to concentrate on films and shows that may have slipped through the cracks of the mainstream video renter. Gosh, I'm helpful. So here goes!
Well, these are enough for you to chew on for now. Aside from Kamen Rider, all of these goodies have been released in America and can be found at Netflix or at any 'good' video store.
POOR MATT'S ALMANAC - Part 1
If I could live my life over again, I would have hit more people and had sex with more people…but not necessarily at the same time.
Instead of plastic surgery, I’ve decided to get a full body tattoo of me at 18.
People say live every day as if it were your last. I say live every day as if it were your first. That’s why every day I vomit on a doctor.
Fake tits are like the clown at my penis’ birthday party.
I’m allergic to most pets. This essentially means my breathing can be stopped with unconditional love.
If your news is that I’m going to sit in a lake of fire for all eternity, you can hardly call it the “Good News”.
Dick Cheney must read The Constitution the way most of us read “The Onion”.
If ghosts are real, where do they get their clothes?
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, a prostitute.
Life is just a series of less embarrassing haircuts.
I can’t believe in a God that I’m nicer than.
The human race is like a spoiled child who occasionally remembers to say “thank you”.
If you can’t beat them, then they’re not tied down properly.
I’m not a sports fan because I can’t root for the guys who stole my lunch money.